Dealing With Adolescent Kid In Your Home

Adolescence is the most awkward stage of life.   Hearing things like,

“You’re too old for that.”

“You’re too young to have that.”

“We’re your parents.  Only we know what’s best for you.”
Things start to get confusing.  He begins to question himself, “Am I too old?”  “Am I that young?”  “Where do I belong?”  With this disorientation and confusion, comes his curiosity to find out and discover things himself for himself.

Source:  drhollygordon.com

The Anatomy of Adolescence

Adolescence is the period between 13 and 19 years old.  No longer a child, but not yet an adult.  It’s the transitional period.   A time when he starts to explore things and got curious about some changes that are happening in his body.  This is when he starts to seek for independence and tries to build his own identity.

Adolescence Seeking for Independence

“My childhood is a lie.”

This is what your teenager thinks after knowing that you just tricked him every Christmas Eve.   It’s obvious he was betrayed.   How else can he trust words such as,

“We will be here no matter what.”

“We only want what’s best for you.”

“Trust us.This is for your own good.”

Trust?  Just how can he trust you now?

He is the most confusing part of his life.  He no longer knows what to believe.   Thoughts are playing with him that parents don’t know what he wants, what he needs, and what’s best for him.   His parents cannot always save him.   He can only trust himself, and the single person who is always behind him is his friends.

One day you’ll wake up arguing about his independence, letting him do what he wants, the way he wants it.

Source:  mannaexpressonline.com

How to Overcome This Stage of Rebellious Teenage Years

An argument is a familiar sight to every home with teenage kids, and most parents just wanted to give up.   Getting emotionally fed up, they quickly get angry and will try to stop it by shouting or yelling.  Your emotional outbursts and anger will not solve the problem, but would only make it worse.

Settling it through violence is not showing your kid a good example.  How will you deal with your teenager then?

  1. Try to understand the overwhelming changes that your teenager is experiencing, both physical, emotional, and environment. You may be right, he’s no longer a kid, but he’s also not yet mature to understand everything.   He is confused.   You should be there to guide him through.

    “Your teenager may give the impression of not caring what you think, but they need you now as much as ever. Do your best to be openly available for relaxed conversation whenever your child seems to want that,” said Dona Matthews, PhD.

  2. Teenage anger usually is due to frustration and embarrassment. Hormonal changes and peer pressure can also be a factor.  Help them deal with it constructively.   Talk to them.  Know what’s causing them to feel that way.   If things are already out of control, have a psychologist or relatives help you.

    “When families rid themselves of nagging, relationships get infused with more energy and compassion.  Parents get to know and appreciate teenagers for who they are, not just for what they do,” said Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD.

  3. Give your teenager space when he asked for it. Sometimes, he needs to sort things out on his own.
  4. Bond with him. Do activities he likes together (check out some recommendations here: babble.com).  This will help you bring back his trust.
Source:  militaryonesouce.mil
  1. Hug him more. Hugging will help him heal.  This will assure him that you are indeed there for him, giving him a sense of security.
  2. Set goals for him. Make sure he does well in school, but with no pressure.   See if he got responsible set of friends, but never judged his friends.
  3. Guide him in putting a structure in his life. Slowly give him the independence he needed to learn.   Point out that there are boundaries, rules, and consequences.    Trust him that he can do it.

    “Parents let go by giving more independent decision-making responsibility. They do mindfully by specifying what they first need from the teenager before being willing to put that eager young person at risk of more personal freedom,” said Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD.

Adolescent years are just temporary.  You passed through this stage in your life.   Of all people, you are the one who should understand what your teenager is going through.   Always keep an open mind, and he will open up to you.

How To Start Sensitive Conversation With Your Teen (And How To Keep It Going)

Admit it. It can be so hard to communicate with teenagers.

Their attention is normally focused on things that usually annoy parents – smartphone, television, social media, or play station. Sometimes, they even pretend like they can’t hear you by turning up the volume of the music. What makes it even harder for parents is the fact that teenagers are very secretive and sensitive to topics – such as academics, love, dating, sex, relationships, depression, and drugs. Seriously, how can you talk to your teens about these sensitive topics if you can’t even make them talk about how their day was?

Source: flickr.com

The secret? Do it the right way.

Establishing better communication, especially between a parent and a teen, is the key to a healthy relationship. So, start with a simple conversation.

Start the conversation by talking about sports, weather, hobbies, books, etc.

Talking to your teens doesn’t have to be groundbreaking. Also, topics don’t have to be unique. Engage them in a healthy conversation by picking a topic that they enjoy talking about or anything that won’t make them feel like you’re ready to deliver your lecture for the nth time. Teens never want to be lectured. So, always remember to keep the conversation light and casual.

Ask “indirect questions” instead of quickly getting to the point.

As badly as you want to gather information about what your teens are doing and their whereabouts, do not let your anxiety get in the way. For example, instead of asking “Did you drink from last night’s party?”, you might inquire, “Who went to the last night’s party?”

Don’t make it appear like you’re just probing information. Teens are more likely to talk to someone they feel they can trust. So, don’t hurry. Take the right steps. Sooner or later, your teens will start spilling information before you even ask for it.

Source: flickr.com

Avoid distractions and give them your full attention.

Though teens might act uninterested most of the time, they are very sensitive to rejection or seeing someone not interested when they’re talking. If you want to engage your teens in a productive conversation with you, start by not just being physically present. Clear your mind and focus all your attention to listen and to understand them.

Once your teens start talking, DO NOT INTERRUPT.

If you don’t want your mission to fail, make your teen shut down once again, and end the dialogue quickly – do not interrupt your teens when they are talking.

Whatever that is in your head and no matter how badly you want to say it, shut your mouth for a while and keep listening. Teens love to express themselves. Hear them out and make them feel that you are there to understand and support them.

Keep calm and don’t be judgmental.

Adolescence is the time your teens experiment on new things. Hence, it is inevitable that they commit mistakes. No matter how small or big their mistakes are and for whatever reason they did what they did, hear them out before getting into a conclusion. Never ever judge them. Try to remain calm and address the situation in a very appropriate manner. Teenagers, when they get even the slightest inkling of disapproval, will most likely end the conversation.

Source: flickr.com

Finally, don’t overreact.

Teens might be upsetting, sometimes. They can make you angry. However, don’t let your emotions drive you away from building a healthy conversation and relationship with your teen.

The 5 Vital Things You Need To Talk With Your Tween

Kids grow up so fast. One day, we’ll just wake up wondering where our cute little boys and girls go and how our chubby-cheeked angels got replaced with these sulking, rebelling tweens living with us.These trains of thoughts aside, we have to remember that we went through this very same life phase our tweens are going through – puberty.

Continue reading The 5 Vital Things You Need To Talk With Your Tween

5 Common Mistakes Parents Do When Dealing With Teens

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When your child reaches his preteen years, it is also the time you have to tweak your parenting skills a bit. After all, your child is not a little kid anymore. You can deal with him the way you did when he was just two or six or ten years old.

Aside from the physical changes you see, you’ll notice that your child was far from that little angel some six or seven years ago. He could get moody a lot. He’d be stubborn, would easily speak out his mind and assert a little independence now and then. Additionally, you’ll have to start thinking about dealing with preteen and teen issues like friends, dating, work and even getting his car.

In preparation for your kid reaching the stage of puberty, here are five of the most common mistakes parents do when parenting tweens and teens.

Source: womenshealthmag.com
  1. We read too many parenting books on teens and expect the words in the pages to translate into our realities.

Every family is different, that’s a fact. What parenting methods worked for the authors of various parenting books may not work for you and your family. Parenting doesn’t come with a yardstick by which you measure your skills and abilities as a parent. You have to trust your instinct when it comes to it.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with reading parenting books. But use the knowledge you gained as a perspective on what’s it like to be parents to kids who are transitioning from childhood into adulthood. Don’t get disappointed with yourself and your children when you try the things you read from its pages and they turn out to be failures.

2.We either over discipline or under discipline our tweens and teens.

Sensing that their children are changing not just physically, some parents crack down on every single misstep they do. Others are afraid to show any adverse reactions to how their teens act for fear that they will push them away.

Finding the equilibrium between giving teens their freedom and setting up their limitations is a role every parent must do. Emphasizing obedience too much might put them in line, but you’ll also demean their decision-making abilities, an essential tool they’ll need to be independent adults. Too little discipline is also not beneficial for your teens who still need the structure you can give as they find their places in this world.

“By insisting on absolute control, parents can foster an unhealthy dependency in the growing teenager: ‘I learned to do whatever I am forcibly told,'” said Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD.

  1. We fuss about the little stuff.

We don’t need to break our fuses with our teenage daughter or son’s choice of clothing or the way they’re styling their hair or even their accessory picks. If you feel like talking to them about it, though, do. Finding common ground on these matters is the key to setting things down with your teen. Allow them to exercise their decision-making skills and let them learn from their own mistakes. It’s part of growing up.

  1. We ignore the big guns.

However, if you feel like your teens are in trouble, they most likely are. Call it a parent’s intuition. Do you see signs your tween or teen’s into vices like smoking or, worse, is doing drugs? Feel like he’s keeping bad company?  Or is your teen becoming secretive and a bit moody lately? Don’t ignore these red flags. Talk to them in a gentle and non-judgmental way. Having an open companionable relationship between both parties help a lot, so nurture this kind of rapport with your kids even before they reach their teenage years.

“The alternative to nagging is to develop a relationship that communicates to your teen, ‘You are enough.’ Young people need to feel heard and understood—to know that parents support, not judge them,” said Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD.

Source: cafemomstatic.com
  1. We always expect the worst from our tweens and teens.

Most parents almost always expect their teenagers to have some loose screws during this stage.

But having negative expectations for your teenage son or daughter means you are setting them up for failure. As one study showed, teens whose parents expected the worse in them ended up doing that!

Instead of setting your eyes on your teenager’s “bad” deeds, why not focus on the positive things he has – his interests, talents, hobbies, and the like? He may not be that cherubic little boy anymore who hangs on to your every word, but it isn’t too late to learn something new from your child.

“Parents should also help their teens to set realistic expectations and keep things in perspective,” said Sara Villanueva, PhD. “If we allow our children to fall, they can learn from their mistakes (called natural consequences) and pick themselves back up.”

With all the changes they’re going through, teens need your parental love and care more than ever. They’ll get angry at your authority, sure, but you’re the solid ground they tread on as they navigate these most trying years of their lives.